If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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