It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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