So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
