I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
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