Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
