It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
