After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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