I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
