I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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