My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
