I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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