Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
