I skipped work to stalk him.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
