i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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