I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
