i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
