My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
