Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
