a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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