forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
