I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
