you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
