oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
