I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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