I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
