So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
