Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
