I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
