I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize