you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
