I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Can I color on your dick again?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
