We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
