judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
