Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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