I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
