We should be called the Road Head Warriors
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
