Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
