My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
