Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
