Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
