Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I have aggressive nipples.
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