1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
