i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
