my sisters under your porch take her home
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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