Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
