I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
