i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
