You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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