you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
