i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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