i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
