so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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